Love Marriage

Love Marriage

Q). How does Islam view love marriage? What is the proper procedure, from the Islamic point of view, for selecting one’s life partner? If one marries a girl against the wishes of his parents, does he incur a sin for disobeying them? What are the rights of parents in this connection?

S.Shahabuddin, Riyadh.

A). May I put the first question back to you and ask what is love marriage? It is a martial relationship recognized by society and official authorities? Or is it the sentimental relationship, which kindles a burning sensation of attraction to the beloved one and a desire to be united together? Is it both or neither of them? Is it both or neither of them? Sometimes, the societies to denote what are otherwise known as “cohabitation” or “living with someone from the opposite sex.”

According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage. There is a passion called love and a contractual relationship, which is marriage. That relationship comes into existence when a man and a woman who agree to be married in the presence of the woman’s guardian and a minimum of two witness. When these conditions are met, they bring about a relationship, which is legitimate, useful and presumed to be permanent. No other relationship between a man and a woman who is not related to him is admissible from the Islamic point of view.

That relationship does not preclude that a passion may exist between the two partners. Nor does the existence of that passion affect the martial relationship in any way. That passion is judged on its own results. If it tends to anything that Islam has forbidden, then it is forbidden. It is limited to a mere feeling, which does not lead to any forbidden practical results, and then it is not sinful. Having practical results, then it is not sinful. Having said that, I must add that Islam does not encourage that such passion should exist before marriage or should be considered the basis of marriage. Islam encourages, on the other hand, the sort of love which comes after marriage as both man and wife face together what life may have in store for them. That love is much more stable, deep and genuine. Moreover, it gives each of the two partners the chance to encourage the other to follow Allah’s commands and abide by His laws.

If love marriage is synonymous with cohabitation or living together, which means that a man and a woman share the same home and bedroom without going through the formal requirements of marriage, then their relationship is strictly forbidden because it is synonymous with fornication and adultery.

The Prophet gives us clear guidance on what to look for when we select our life partners. He says: ”women may be sought in marriage for one of four considerations: her wealth, beauty, social status or her strong faith. Choose the one with faith so that you may prosper.” This is then the proper procedure. It is to make sure that the woman one selects to be the future mother of his children should be one of faith who will encourage him in obeying Allah’s commandments and keeping on the right path which earns him Allah’s pleasure and who will impart to; her children the meaning of fearing Allah and being always conscious of Hs presence. If you look at the four elements mentioned by the Prophet, you will find that they combine all motives, which a man may have to get married. He may give priority, when selecting his marriage partner, to wealth or beauty. Alternatively, he may seek a high position or distinguished social status. If his aim is one of these, he will look for either a pretty or a rich woman or he may seek to marry into a wealthy family or one of good name. Which ever the factor he gives greater weight to, we should not overlook the fact that they all relate to this world and its priorities and considerations.

The prophet counsels us that none of these elements should be given priority. It is the woman with strong faith, which should be preferred as a marriage partner. Such a wife helps her husband attain the greatest prize of all: Paradise. When we consider that, there is simply nothing to be compared with it.

The role of parents in selecting a life for their son is one of advice, not dictation. Allah has not given them the right to force their son to marry any particular woman. They may have reasons of their own for seeking to unite their son in marriage with a particular woman. They may have reasons of their own for seeking to unite their son to marry any particular woman. They may have reasons of their own for seeking to unite their son in marriage with a particular woman, but they must remember that it is he who will live with that woman, and it is his happiness that is at stake. Hence, the choice must be his. They should not try to impose their will on him.

Disobedience can only happen when the person who is being disobeyed enjoys the right to be obeyed by their children, their relationship with their young children, when they have come of age, cannot continue on the basis of orders and strict obedience. They continue to enjoy throughout the right to be honored and respected by their adult children, but they cannot always dictate to them in every aspect of their lives.

If a son wants to marry a girl whom he knows to be religious and of strong faith, and his parents oppose this marriage for reasons of their own, then he incurs no sin in going ahead with that marriage. He is acting on the Prophet’s advice while they are opposing him for reasons of their own. Their reasons cannot be as good as his, if he is choosing a woman of strong faith. Disobedience in this regard does not constitute undutifulness to parents.
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Which woman to marry?

Q). My wife died two years ago. I wish to marry a non-Muslim woman who has promised to adopt Islam if the marriage goes through. After our marriage, can she keep her relationship with her parents and relatives? On the other hand, my parents want me to marry a certain widow who is a relation of mine. I am rather confused and I would be grateful for your advice.

(Name and address withheld)

A). I am afraid I cannot give you any advice in this matter. That is entirely your decision. What I can tell you is that if the non-Muslim woman you wish to many will only be a Muslim because she wants to get married to you, then you have to think twice before-marrying her. To start with, if she is a Christian or a Jew, then she need not adopt Islam for the marriage to be valid. But if she follows a religion, then she should adopt Islam before you can marry her. In this case, you have to be absolutely certain that she adopts Islam, knowing that it is the faith to follow. You must on your guard against a situation where her conversion to Islam is viewed by her simply as a device to facilitate marriage. She has got to understand what believing in the Oneness of God and the message of the Prophet Muhammad means.

If she becomes a Muslim, she can certainly maintain a good relationship with her parents and relatives. A woman companion of the Prophet asked him whether she should be kindly to her mother who had visited her, although her mother remained totally unwilling to adopt Islam. The Prophet told her to be kind to her mother. On the other hand a Muslim woman who has a good character and has good knowledge of Islam and its principles is a very suitable woman to marry. The Prophet has recommended us to choose for our marriage partner, a woman who Fears God and practices her faith.

Your choice must be based on the character of each one of the two women, not the type of relationship you have with the widow or the physical appearance of the non-Muslim woman. Marriage is a very serious affair and the partner should be properly selected.
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Marriage with a Christian

Q). A man wants to marry a Christian woman and the parents of both are reconciled to the idea but the mosque in their country are refusing to register the marriage. The people there say that verses 6 of surah 5 refers to the Christians of the Prophet’s time, who were Unitarian. Please comment

(Name and address withheld)

A). The argument given by the imam in the mosques is quite wrong. The Christians at the tires of the Prophet were not Unitarian. In fact the Christian beliefs at the Prophet's time were the same as they are today. The Qur’an denounces their claims of Trinity and their elevation of Jesus and his mother, Mary, to a divine status. It also states clearly that the Christians claimed that Jesus was Son of God, and refuted their argument. Yet there remains a sufficient common area between us and the Christians and the Jews to allow the marriage of Muslim men with the followers of either of these two faiths. This means that the marriage of this person to a Christian woman is allowed in Islam, although it may not be recommended on other grounds.
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Marriage with a prospective convert

Q). A Christian from my home country, the Philippines, has repeatedly asked me to marry her, she says that she will become a Muslim if our marriage is successful. Is it, proper for me to marry her on this condition?

A). Normally a marriage between a Muslim man and a Christian or a Jewish woman is acceptable and valid. The woman does not need to change her religion and become a Muslim for the marriage to go through. Indeed she may retain her faith for the rest of her life. Her husband is not required to put any pressure on her to embrace Islam. The basic principle, "No compulsion is admissible in matters of faith", applies.

The above ruling is qualified by another Islamic principle, which asserts that it is infinitely better for a Muslim to marry a Muslim. This is better for both the couple and their children. Therefore, you may marry this lady if you are convinced that she will be a good wife for you. Her promise to become a Muslim if the marriage is successful should not be taken literally. What you should do, if you decide to marry her, is to explain Islamic teachings and values to her at leisure using suitable chances whenever they present themselves. You should let her come to the decision of whether to become a Muslim or not at her own time, without any pressure from you.

There is, however, another aspect to the question of inter-faith marriages. That is the social and family aspect. It is needless to say that the social conditions in which one lives has a great influence on one's habits and practices. It does not take any great stretch of imagination to realize that the habits, practices and attitudes of a Muslim married to a Christian and living in a Muslim society will be differed from those of the same couple if they were to live in a predominantly Christian society. For an interfaith marriage to succeed both husband and wife need to make many more compromises than required if they belonged to the same faith.

If they live in a Christian country, these extra compromises will always have to be made by the Muslim husband. All this and its bearing on the upbringing of children must be taken into account before deciding to go ahead with an interfaith marriage.
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Where to marry a non-Muslim

Q). Being aware that a Muslim man can marry a girl of any other belief, we are at odds with our prospective wives over what arrangements to make for the marriage ceremony. They are insisting on ending the ceremony at a church, or, failing that, they insist that a signing ceremony at the city municipality should be prepared. We are demanding that we should have a proper Islamic marriage, i.e., Nikah. The problem is that they will certainly refuse to say the declaration that they believe in the oneness of Allah and in the message of Prophet Muhammad. Is there any way to have this marriage performed without displeasing Allah?

Ahmed G.A. Raya and S.N.Nauray.

Q). In one of your answers, you indicated that it is allowed for a Muslim to marry a Christian or a Jewish woman. You are undoubtedly aware of the Qur’anic verse, which states that no Muslim, man or woman, may marry a polytheist. Now that Christians claim that Jesus was the son of God and the Jews, or some of them at least, make similar claims about Ezra, do they not become polytheists whom we are not allowed to marry?

A.Ahmed, Dhahran & M.A.sirajuddeen,Najran.

A). The first letter makes the error of giving a Muslim man permission to marry a woman of any other faith. This is not true. The only interfaith marriages allowed in Islam are those in which a Muslim man marries a Christian or a Jewish woman. He is not allowed to marry a woman of any other faith or belief. A Muslim woman, on the other hand, must marry a Muslim. Even Christians and Jews are not allowed for her to marry.

The question raised in the second letter is whether we can still consider Christians and Jews to be recipients of divine revelations when they have deviated from these revelations so far that they ascribe divinity to Jesus Christ or other beings. In answering this point, we have to remind ourselves that what Allah has made lawful, no one can make unlawful. Similarly, what He has forbidden, no one can make lawful. It is only when a divine commandment or rule is made conditional on something in particular that the ruling may be changed on the basis of the condition being met or not. When Allah has allowed us to marry Christian and Jewish women He did not make that conditional on their having any particular concept other that believing in Christianity or Judaism. In other words, it is sufficient that a woman professes to believe in Christianity or Judaism in order for a Muslim man to be able to marry her.

Moreover, at the time the Qur’an was revealed, Christians and Jews interpreted their religions in the same way as they interpret them today. In other words, their religions did not go through any real change in their basic concepts. We find Qur’anic references to Christians claiming that Jesus was son of Allah and Jews claiming that Ezra was son of Allah. Moreover, the Qur’an refers to Christians ascribing divinity to Mary, mother of Jesus. But in spite of all that, Islam had made it lawful for Muslims to marry Christian and Jewish women. That permission remains valid, because there has been no subsequent legislation to cancel it.

I can understand the worry the two second readers express in their separate letters about this permission. To a Muslim mind, the idea of a divine nature being attributed to anyone other than Allah is nothing less than plain polytheism. But we have to take Islam as it has been conveyed to us by our Prophet Muhammed, peace be upon him. He has convit to us correct, complete, and with everything taken into consideration. It is Allah who has given us this legislation and He knows what He has legislated for us. What we can say however, on this point is that being aware of all the distortion that has crept into the ideological concepts of both Christianity and Judaism, Allah considers that both of these two divine religions still retain a measure of the belief in the Oneness of Allah which is enough to justify the permission of inter marriage with them on a limited scale. We accept this legislation as it is and do not try to argue against it with the aim of canceling it. For no man is allowed to cancel legislation made by Allah.

Having said that, I must repeat what I have frequently said in the past that although marriage with a Christian or a Jewish woman is allowed to a Muslim man, we should not consider it except in cases where no practical alternative offers itself. We have to think of Muslim women who will be left unmarried when many of us marry women of other faiths. We have also to remember that Islamic legislation is suitable for Islamic society. This has considerable bearing on the case in question. When a Muslim man marries a Christian or a Jewish woman and takes her to live in an Islamic society, she is bound to be influenced by the society around her. Her own influence on her husband and his approach to his faith will be limited.

The situation is entirely different when a Muslim man lives in a non-Islamic society and marries a woman who does not believe in Islam. There, the pressure of society will be great on him. He may find himself having to give in on points of great importance in his faith. Examples abound nowadays when Muslims have immigrated to all European and American countries, where they are in a minority. Without giving due thought to the permission given by Allah for Muslim men to marry Jewish and Christian women, and without trying to understand the reasons for this permission and the likely effects of inter faith marriages on them, they rush into marrying women in the countries they have settled in. Soon they discover that they have made a grave mistake. Living in her own society, close to her own relatives, the woman in question does not feel any need to modify her habits and practices. She feels that it is up to her husband to try to adapt to the norms of her society. In doing so, he finds that he has to sacrifice some values, which are basic to his faith. Once he starts, the road ahead is very slippery. He will soon discover that he has moved far away from the basics of his Islamic faith.

There are certain misunderstandings about Islamic marriage in the first letter. The term “Nikah” means “marriage.” To read or say nikah is to go through the marriage contract verbally. It is not a condition that the declaration of believing in the oneness of Allah and the message of the prophet, i.e. the kalimah which signifies acceptance of Islam be said by either man or wife in that ceremony. All that it consists of is a proposition of marriage and an acceptance of that proposition in the presence of the woman’s father or guardian and witness. An Islamic marriage contract may be performed anywhere, although we are recommended by the Prophet to have it in a mosque. This is only a recommendation, not an obligation.

The question is raised whether it can be performed in a church. The answer is a clear and firm “no”. It is in fact forbidden for a Muslim to have his marriage performed in a temple, where worship of any sort other than Islamic worship is offered or practiced. When the marriage of a Muslim man is made in a church, he allows himself to run the risk of becoming an apostate, since he may find himself in a position of having to take part in non-Islamic worship.

There is no harm in having the marriage contract made in the city municipality. In fact, if the girl’s father or guardian is present and Muslim witnesses are also present, then the marriage performed in the city municipality is sufficient for Islamic purposes. In other words there is no need to have a further Islamic marriage contract.
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Martial relations in the period

Q). Many of us, expatriates, go home for vacation after an absence of one year or more. On arrival or just before departure one may find his wife in her period. What is permissible for him and what is not?

M.A. Salama,Riyedh

A). A companion of the Prophet, still a young man, asked one of the Prophet's wives this very question. Her reply was "All except intercourse." This is confirmed by a report by Aisha that when she was in her period the Prophet might ask her to tie up her underwear before he would do some of the preliminaries of sex, always stopping short of intercourse.

This is an example of the middle attitude of Islam. It does not go to the extreme of banishing a woman from her husband's bed when she is in the period, like some other religions do, nor does it allow intercourse because of the uncleanness that attends the mensrual period.

To be more specific, when a woman is in her period, she may have sex play with her husband. They may be undressed with the exception of the area round her private parts. In the situation you have explained, when one is with his wife after or before a long absence, one should guard against exceeding this limit.
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Marriage in the waiting period unacceptable

Q). I have got married to a lady after the court ordered the dissolution of her former marriage. She had been married to a man who left her soon after the marriage to live and work in the Kingdom. For six years she did not receive any communication from him, and he did not send her any money to look after herself. An Islamic court in our country granted her application for the dissolution of her marriage. Three days after the court decision, we got married. Is our marriage proper and valid?

A.U.A, Makkah

A). I would have thought that such a question should have been put before the marriage rather than after it had taken place. Marriage and divorce are very serious matters because they mean the difference between a legitimate and an illegitimate relationship. Hence it is very important to know the rules that affect the validity of each one of them in order to ensure that our family relationships are of the type that God permits. If we do not know the rules, then we are likely to make mistakes, which would land us in trouble as they may make a relationship, which we so dearly wish to have unattainable, or they may make a break of a relationship final and impossible to mend. It is extremely important to realize that the rules God has laid down for marriage and divorce are simple and straightforward. It is we who introduce difficulties into them by choosing to ignore God's rules and doing things our own way without observing what God wants us to observe. I have repeatedly emphasized to my readers the importance of knowing the Islamic law relating to marriage and divorce before embarking on either step. I cannot make the emphasis too strong, because, judging by the type of letter I receive people continue to ignore these roles, mostly through ignorance at their own peril

The writer of this letter says that he has married his wife only three days after the court had ordered the dissolution of her marriage to her first husband. Has he never heard of the need to observe a waiting period during which the divorced woman may not marry a man other than her divorcing husband?

In other words, she may be reunited in marriage with the man who has divorced her, but cannot be married to any other man until her waiting period is over This obviously applies if the divorce has taken place for the first or second time, but not if it is an irrevocable divorce which is the third one. The difference is made because an important purpose of the waiting period is to make sure of the parenthood of any child the woman may have conceived from her first marriage, or may conceive early in her second marriage.

I am afraid I do not have any comforting news for this couple, because they made a 'marriag' at a time when no such a step could be right. When a marriage comes to an end, either through divorce or the death of the husband, the wife has to observe a waiting period during which she may not get married.

This waiting period is of different duration according to the circumstances of the woman, but in the case of this particular lady, it should last until she has had three menstruation periods after the court decision dissolving her marriage it is only when the waiting period is over that the lady may get married again.

Nothing can waive this restriction because it is ordered by God Himself. When the couple violated this rule by getting married after only three days, they have precipitated something that could not be lawful until its appointed time. Hence there is a penalty which has to be imposed on them. I will explain.

There is only one of two alternatives. The couple might have been totally unaware of the need to observe the waiting period. It is very difficult to imagine that a Muslim couple living in a Muslim country are unaware of the requirement of a waiting period after divorce. Yet it may be that they might have overlooked the requirement because of the dissolution of the first marriage by a court order. Anyhow, if they were totally unaware or ignorant of the requirement, then they must be separated straight away and the woman has to observe her waiting period indeed what she has to observe now is two waiting periods one for her marriage which has been dissolved by the court and another for the second 'marriage' which is not valid.

Each waiting period lasts until she has had three menstruation periods. The first one counts for the first marriage and the second for the invalid marriage, unless she happens to be pregnant at the time of her separation from the second man. In this case, she observes the second waiting period first in this case; it lasts until she delivers her baby. Then she must observe the other waiting period for the first marriage. It must be clear that the two waiting periods cannot nun concurrently. In other words they cannot be counted at the same time. Each must run its course separately. When she has completed her two waiting periods, they may get married. To do that they must have a fresh marriage contract, because the first one is invalid and of no value whatsoever. The other situation is that the couple was aware of the need to observe a waiting period but they nevertheless went ahead and arranged for their marriage despite knowing this requirement. Their action in this case is very grave indeed. Their marriage is not valid at all. They would be considered adulterers and they deserve the punishment of adultery because their action is taken deliberately in defiance of God's law. Moreover, they must separate immediately.

When they have separated, they may not be married to each other for the rest of their lives That is because they have precipitated what they would have had in good time, but the precipitation constitutes a deliberate violation of Islamic law. The woman will still need to observe her two waiting periods, in the manner outlined above, before she could marry a different man. For their sake, I hope that this does not apply to them. However, it is only they who can tell whether it applies to them or not, because they are the ones who can tell whether they were truly unaware of the need to observe a waiting period or not
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Confusion about the validity of the marriage

Q). After one and a half Years of being married, a woman obtained a ruling from an Islamic court nullifying her marriage. The basis of the ruling was the ill treatment she received from her husband who used to beat her up and demand money from her. Her former husband was sent several notices with at least one of these notices published in the Local paper but he failed to appear in court. The court then granted her the nullification.

The woman is now married to another man but recently that husband was told by a scholar that such a khula is not valid Without the consent of the first husband which means that the woman is still married to the first husband and her second marriage is null and void. That caused the couple no end of distress. Particularly since they have had a child recently. Please comment.

(Name and address withheld)

A). Sometimes I get very angry when I receive a question like this. My anger is not directed at the parties concerned in the problem, but at the outsider who voices an opinion which has a far reaching effect on the lives of several people without paying due regard to the circumstances of the case or studying the problem in depth.

The reader speaks of a scholar telling him that such a khula is not valid without the consent of the first husband. What he did was to look at the question from the specific point of view of khula and then he voiced his opinion on the basis of his school of thought. This means that there are two limiting factors in how he has dealt with the problem which involves the legitimacy or otherwise of a marital relationship. That is very bad indeed. I do not know the man or the country where he comes from but I can guess his school of thought and I feel that he might have not studied anything outside it. That is not the way a good scholar should look at a problem like this with all its practical limitations.

This is not a case of khula in the first place. Khula is a nullification of the marriage at the request of a wife which may not have a reason other than the wife feeling that life with her husband does not give her the fulfillment a woman expects from a happy married life. In khula the woman pays back her dower to her husband and her waiting period lasts only for one menstruation period according to the weightier opinion to ensure that she is not pregnant. When the khula takes place, it does not count as a divorce.

Here the case is one of divorce by the judge on the basis of ill treatment. In such cases the judge has to make sure that there is undoubtedly ill treatment which means life with the man is intolerable. The judge determines what sort of proof to demand in order to satisfy him that the claims of the wife are true. Here we are told that the man beats up his wife. If he acknowledges that, then that is the best proof, but this could also be proven by other means, such as witnesses who may be neighbors or relatives? We are also told that the man used to demand money from his wife. He sent her to her parents frequently to get him that money. This is again another form of ill treatment, which could easily make life intolerable.

The judge in this case has done what is required when he sent repeated notices to the husband to attend the hearing, and when he published an announcement in the local newspaper. If the husband does not attend the court after all this and the judge is satisfied that the ill treatment is a fact, then the judge is within his jurisdiction to order the nullification of the marriage. That nullification is considered as a divorce by the judge, which is a single divorce. This is another difference between this sort of nullification and khula.

The second husband of this lady may rest assured about the validity of his marriage. He need not worry or ask any one’s opinion since the nullification is ordered by a court of Islamic law. What is the purpose of asking anyone when no one would give the case the sort of in-depth study and consideration as the court would do?
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Why not allow polyandry?

Q) Why is a man in Islam allowed to marry up to four wives but woman only one husband? Is this not sexiest bias against women. Surely they must also enjoy the same right.

(Name withheld), Jeddah

A) Biologically a man can perform his duty as a husband even if he has more than one wife, which, if a woman has more than, one husband, will not be able to perform her duty as a wife.

The lady, during her menstrual period, undergoes certain behavioral and psychological changes and therefore the majority of marital quarrels occur during the menstrual period. According to reports of criminal record of women in the US, ladies commit crime during this period. For a wife, if she has more than one husband, to mentally adjust, will be more difficult. Medical science also tells us that if a lady has more than one husband she had chances of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases as well as venereal diseases as she can transmit it back to the husband. Which is not the case of a husband who has more than one wife.

The identification of both the parents is possible if children born from a union between one man and more than one wife. The father can be identified as well the mother can be identified. However, m the case of polyandry (the union of one wife with more than one husband) it is possible to only identify the mother; not the father. Islam accords utmost importance to the identification of the parents. And psychologists tell us if child cannot identify his parents he undergoes mental trauma.
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Dimension of love misunderstood

Q). Some western friends argued that polygamous marriages can never be just as it is impossible to love two women at the same time. Their understanding of the concept of love seems to differ from ours. I tried to explain but I am not sure I myself understand the true dimension properly. I was not able to reply, as I do not know what the correct answer to this point is. What should my reply be?

A). Many of us seem to think that love is an abstract feeling and thus cannot be controlled or divided. Love, however may be an abstract feeling, which can either be controlled, divided, increased or decreased. This is, in fact, a divine gift from Allah, as seen in the following verse: "And among His signs is that He created for you mates among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts."

In the practical sense, flexibility of one's love depends on the situation. In practical life, a person simultaneously loves Allah, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), his parents, children, husband/wives, friends, teachers and so on. This proves that love can be divided and shared! Thus it's up to the person to control, increase or decrease his /her love towards others.

However, a husband can control his affection and love among his wives and share it among them if he wishes. The Prophet himself had shared his love and affection with all of his wives, as they required. The flexibility of one's 'love is further highlighted in the following Hadith: Narrated by Anas who said: The Prophet (pbuh) said: "One will not be a (perfect) Muslim unless he loves me more than himself, and his father, and his children, and the human kind as a whole."

In the light of the above tradition, the idea of love has been classified by the mohaddithin into various categories.

According to Maulana A.E.M. Yusuf, a religious scholar of Bangladesh, 'love can be divided as follows:

Muhabbat Ikhtiary: Optional love such as love for wife/husband, common people, friend, teacher, students, etc. Such love can be controlled shared, increased, or decreased.

Muhabbat Idtirary: Natural love such as love for parents, children, own brothers, and sisters, etc. Such love comes naturally and no matter how extremely a person is upset or angry with them, his love will not decrease.

Imam Abu Solaiman Al-Khattabee said: "The word al-Hubb' does not refer to natural one but refers to optional one."

Ibn Battal, Qadi Al-lyadh and the others said: "Love is divided into three categories: Mohabbat Ajlal-wa A'zam, such as to love father; Mohabbat Shafqatun Mashakilatun wa-lstihsanun, such as to love all human kind."

Allama Badruddin Ainee classified love into three categories, he said: "The classification of love is three: Mohabbatul Ajlal-wa A'zam such as to love one's father, Mohabbat Rahmah-wa Ashraq, such as to love your son; and Mhabbat Mushakilatun-wa Istihsanun such as the love of people for each other.

Hence it is extremely important to draw our attention to a question: Why has Allah permitted the practice of polygamy in the Qur'an if love can not be divided.

The real fact is that Allah, Who created human beings knows that man has the capacity to divide and share his love with his wives and that is why polygamous marriage had been permitted.
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Polygamy and being fair to man and woman

Q). I refer to an answer you have given earlier in which you corrected the translation of a verse from the Qur'an as referring to "spouses", not merely "wives." Another topic you tackled on the same date was 'polygamy and the consent of the first wife." Should we not read "spouse" in this context also? Or is it that Allah's message has been interpreted through a man's point of view, which read "man" in place of "spouse", to make it easy for men to encroach upon the rights and privileges of women, or rather "first wives.” Would any man consent to his wife taking a second, third or fourth husband? May I point out that all educated Muslim men to whom I talked have interpreted the concept of fairness among one's wives as being limited to the material aspects of life. They agree that no man can be equally in love with two women simultaneously. How is he expected to be fair?

My own conclusion is that Allah, being so just, would not consider "fair to women" what is not "fair to men." I leave to you the choice to answer this letter or not, since I have not converted to Islam yet.

Marianne D. Szoke, OBE, Dhahran

A). Thank you for leaving me this choice of answering your letter or not but I have not considered that choice on the basis of your religion. It is on the merit and nature of the question raised that I determine the space I give to each letter.

Let me first put your mind at rest: The Qur'anic verse which permits polygamy and allows a man up to four wives does not speak of spouses" or "wives'' but refers to women. It says: "Marry from among women who are allowed to you two, three or four.'' This is not to be construed as an order but a permission. Moreover the terms "spouses" 'wives'' and ''women" are used in the Qur'an as appropriate. Mistakes of interpretation may be made in a variety of ways such as reading wives for spouses and making the reverse interpretation applying to both men and women by alims in successive generations have twisted what IS intended for women only. When I corrected my reader, he was simply restricting a statement, which should have been understood as having a wider application. We cannot take that as a rule and claim that Muslims in all generations have misunderstood Allah's message or interpreted it in a restricted way simply because this is a man's world. Such a suggestion has two highly objectionable implications: the first is that Allah has not put his message clearly and precisely, and the second is that Muslims

have restricted Allah's teachings. Neither implication is acceptable. The Our'an is a divine book which uses the most clear, lucid and precise of styles. Allah certainly allows a measure of flexibility in His teachings and laws, so that they may be implemented in different societies as suits them best. That applies only to issues where flexibility is required. There are other matters which are applicable universally in the same degree, method and form.

This second implication is equally impossible. It accuses all Muslims particularly scholars, of having deliberately narrowed the significance of Allah's commandments. That takes them out of the boundaries of Islam altogether. No one can support such a claim with any sound evidence. Indeed, the reverse is true. The Muslim nation takes pride in its wealth of scholarship, which is unsurpassed by any other culture. The aim of this scholarship is to understand the divine message correctly and to implement it conscientiously.

You also raise the point of fair treatment. The first point you raise is that of fairness between man and woman, in which you imply that if it is fair for a man to have four wives, a woman should have also been allowed to marry up to four husbands. May I suggest that this is a very narrow view of fairness. What is wrong with it is that it puts both man and woman on absolutely equal footing paying no regard tthe fact that they have different roles in life and they have been equipped with the appropriate talents and abilities which enable them to fulfill their roles in the most suitable manner. To deny them that difference is to be unfair to either or both of them. Absolute fairness requires that duties and responsibilities should be commensurate with roles and abilities. If it is unfair to pay different wages to men and women who are doing the same job, it is also unfair to ask men and women to do the same job if, by their very nature they are not equally equipped for the job they are being asked to do. Thus, when Islam makes it a duty of a man to support his wife and immediate female relatives, and does not require women to work in order to earn their living. Islam is not being unfair to man. It is only a matter of defining roles, duties and responsibilities according to abilities. Allah's legislation is, in its entirety, fair to both man and woman. We must not forget that both of them are Allah's creation who is the Most Just.

The fact that polygamy has been permitted by Allah when polyandry is not is not due to any favoritism toward man but to the fact that polygamy has certain benefits for society while polyandry has none. It is not because no man would consent to his wife having a second, third or fourth husband that polyandry is forbidden. There are in Islam so many issues and legislation, which people would not have consented to if they were asked in the first place. Yet, they have been included in Islamic legislation. The reason is that they are beneficial to individual and community alike. Had polyandry been beneficial, Allah would have certainly allowed it because He has allowed us everything that is good for us

As for being fair to one's wife, I am afraid that the answer that you have been given by Muslims to whom you have talked is correct. It is fair treatment that is required of men who have more than one wife. What they must do is to provide their wives with the same standard of living and the same care and kindness, which people normally, show to their wives. As for equal love, this is not required as a duty. This should not be surprising to you or to anyone. There are two reasons for this: Ability and accountability. As for ability, human beings do not love others by choice. There are many reasons, factors and reactions involved in the sentiment of love which are not all under the control of man. Moreover, a man may be married for twenty years to one woman and he does not love her, although he may treat her with all the kindness expected of a husband after going through life together with his wife for such a long time. There may be many reasons for the lack of love between them, and some of these may he due to him while others may be due to her yet they may live happily together, with each one of them fulfilling the duties expected of a married couple. Nobody will find much wrong with their marriage because love, in the Western sense, is not an essential requirement for a happy married life. If this is true, when one is married to one wife, it is even more so when he has two or three wives. He cannot love them equally even if he tries. This is referred to in the Qur'an when Allah says: "You will not be able to maintain fairness between wives, keen as you may be to do so. Therefore, do not be totally inclined toward the one leaving the other, as it were, in suspense. This is a statement recognizing that it is not possible for human beings to love two or three or four women equally. Moreover the Prophet himself expressed his inability to love his wives equally when he prayed "My lord I have done my best in what I can do. Do not blame me for that over which I have no power." Yet the Prophet was exemplary in his fair treatment of his wives.

The second point is accountability. When Allah assigns a certain duty to us, we are accountable for it. It is not difficult to gauge fairness of treatment. How can we guide fairness in feeling? That is difficult even for the person himself. If you have several children, you may have one of them as your favorite. Yet, you treat them equally and try not to show your favoritism. However, most people will tell you that they love their children equally. When you press them hard, you may discover certain favoritism toward one of their children. Are they accountable for that'' if they treat their children equally then certainly they are not accountable for loving one a little more than the others.
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Marriage and a heavy burden of expenditure

Q). How important is it that a person who wishes to get married should have a permanent job and enough savings to give en expensive wedding? How about a person, who has enough to pay a dower and lead a decent standard of living, but cannot afford a luxury wedding? What is needed to change the social view that only wealthy bridegroom is worth considering? May I also ask if a person feels that he needs to get married but finds himself unable to arrange that should he resort to fasting? If so, for how long?

M A Rahman,Riyadh

A) Islam encourages marriage and recommends early marriage for both young men and women. It lays down criteria for choosing the right spouse. In the case of a wife, the prophet says:" a woman is sought in marriage for one of four things; Her wealth, beauty, family and faith. Make sure to choose the one with strong faith." In this hadith, the prophet makes it clear that most of the considerations to which people attach great importance when choosing a wife, such as wealth, beauty and family, are of little value.

The important consideration is that she should have strong faith, because that is the one, which shapes her character, and make her a good wife.

Similarly, when a father receives a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections. The prophet says: "Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him (your daughter) in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society." Again the prophet does not attach any importance to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage proposal. He only speaks of the man's honesty and strength of faith: The Prophet also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will soon suffer from corruption.

Having said that, I should also explain that these criteria which the prophet outlines are the ones to be given priority. Other considerations also have their importance, although they must never pre cede the ones the Prophet has outlined.

For example, if a family has to choose between two proposals from two persons who both meet the proper standard of honesty and strength of faith, then other factors such as the age of the suitor and his type of job or trade may be given their due importance. Hence, scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal.

It is certainly against the teachings of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should always be of reasonable standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause a general delay in the marriage age in society.

This is unfortunately the case in some Muslim countries, where you find most people unable to get married before they reach their late 20s or early 30s.

In some cases, people reach 40 years of age before they have a realistic chance of getting married. That is a situation, which leads to much corruption.

Fasting is recommended to young men who feel the urge to get married but is unable to marry for any reason. He is the one to decide how often to fast.

There is no specific recommendation on this point. It is when a person feels that he is liable to slip into sin that he should resort to fasting. That weakens his desire and strengthens his resolve to resist any temptation he may be facing.
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Wrong advice on marriage

Q). I wish to marry agirl from my hometown, but my parents want me to marry a different one. Their objection is based only on seeing her photo and the advice of their Pir who claims that the girl's nature does not fit with mine. I am at a loss what to do because my parents are strictly following the Pir's advice. They insist that if I do not do as the Pir says, then I am not a true Muslim. Please advise.

S. Khan, Jeddah

A). This is largely a social problem, but certain aspects have a religious overtone because of the authority claimed by the people involved. It is important then, to determine what authority each of them has. The first is that claimed by the Pir, whom is normally a spiritual guide looked upon with great respect by his followers. I have often spoken about such people and the authority they exercise. Without going into a great deal of discussion, I would like to make it clear that according to Islam, there is no such position for anyone. We are not required to have such a guide or to listen to his advice. If we do, then we have to evaluate that advice and make sure that it is within Islamic law.

The point is that most, if not all, of those Pirs' enjoy their positions by a hereditary process. In other words, they inherit the position from their father and ancestors. As a result they lead a very comfortable life and enjoy a position of great respect. It is often the case that they have little knowledge of Islam. Indeed they recommend practices which are unIslamic such as paying respect at the graves of saints' and asking them to Intercede with God on behalf of the living. This is a very serious Violation of Islamic teachings and it runs against the Prophet's guidance.

Besides, they are often unqualified to give advice on ordinary affairs. Take your own case with the Pir advising against a marriage on the basis of seeing a photo of the woman and claiming a conflict of nature between the two of you. How can he say all this and on what basis? This is a wide claim, which needs to be substantiated before one starts to think about listening to it.

I have often advised my readers to abandon pirs and not to visit them. If they want to follow Islam, then they the have to learn it from scholars and books, not from those who make a lucrative business of adopting a religious guise and claiming a religious position which is not theirs and which Islam does not approve.

On the other hand, your parents claim of absolute authority over your marriage is not valid.

They may give you advice. But the decision is finally yours. You should try to make them happy, but if they take an unreasonable attitude, you try to come to terms with them in a proper way. If you keep arguing with them, it is likely that attitudes will harden and you will get no where. It is important for your future happiness that you gain your parent's acceptance of the woman you want to marry now, before marriage. That is easier than putting them face to face with the reality of having married her against their will.

What you have to do is to agree first with the woman concerned to adopt a long-term strategy to win their consent. Then you may give your parents the impression that you are postponing the whole idea of marriage for the time being. Tell them that you do not wish to go against their will, and since they have not agreed to your choice, you will leave the matter for a while until you find someone who will win their approval. At the same time you may be able to recruit the help of someone in your family who has influence on your parents, perhaps your grandfather or eldest uncle. You should choose someone whom you know to be broadminded. Let him argue your case with them, preferably in your absence. Gradually you may be able to win them over to agree to this marriage. In this way you avoid long-lasting friction in the family. However it is important to know that if their disagreement is unreasonable and they will not budge, and the woman is a virtuous one whom you believe will make you a good wife, then you may marry her even if they do not agree. That they say you will not be a true Muslim in this case is simply wrong.
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Education and Marriage

Q). I am a student of medicine, having three years to complete my studies. I have recently accepted a proposal of marriage from a man whom I find very suitable as a husband. He wants our marriage to take place without delay, while my father prefers that I should complete my university degree first. I am torn between my desire to finish my studies and my thoughts that if I allow this proposal of marriage to fall through, I may not wish to marry anyone else in future, because I feel that I will not be able to do my duties toward my husband wholeheartedly. In this respect, I would like to ask what Islam says about long engagement and about girl's education. Further, is it permissible for a girl to pursue her studies abroad, if she is not accompanied by any member of her family? She may have all the protection she needs if she stays in a student’s hostel.

I have been reading about my problem and two hadiths which I have come across seem to me as if to contradict to each other. In the first one, the Prophet is reported to have said that when a girl or a boy reach the age of puberty, they should be bound in wedlock. In the other, he encourages pursuit of studies, even if it takes one to China. If one wishes to pursue his or her studies to the university level, they are bound to finish long after reaching the age of puberty. How can thee two hediths be reconciled? I would like further to ask about istikharah. I have read that if one sees in one's dream green and white colors, then the result is positive, while red and black colors indicate a negative result. Please comment.

(Name and Address withheld)

A). It seems to me that your problem can easily be solved if everyone involved shows a willingness to cooperate and accommodate the desires of the others. There is no reason to stop you completing your studies after getting married to this gentleman, if he is truly a suitable husband. You will not be either the first or last student to be married during her course of study. You put the two choices as if they were mutually exclusive when they are not. There may be some reasons which have caused you to do so, but which you have not explained in your letter. If it is practically possible for you to get married and complete your studies, then all you have to do is to ask your prospective husband to assure your father that you complete your degree.

Having said that, I have a suspicion that this is not the real question. What bothers you is your future attitude to any man you may marry, other than the one who has already proposed to you when your thoughts continue to be attached to this particular person. You may feel that you cannot be sincere in your thoughts to your future husband. This is a romantic view of things, which we sometimes try to magnify. If we look at things realistically, then we recognize that life does not conform to our thoughts. At times, we value a certain attachment as something so precious that we cannot survive without it. We may develop a certain friendship to the extent that we become inseparable from our privileged friends. Events may take place to separate us, such as a friend moving with his family to another city or going abroad to pursue his or her studies. When the separation approaches, we view it as an inevitable calamity. A few weeks or months later, we may stop to look at ourselves and we are surprised that we have coped with the separation without difficulty. Your case is the same, if you want to view it realistically. If, however, you want to look at it in a romantic light and you persist with doing so, then you will continue nursing your sense of loss and perpetuating the pain you may feel at the time of the separation. This is something which is largely your own to deal with. What I have to say is that if this proposal does not lead to marriage, it should not be viewed by you as the end of the world. You should try to overcome the problem and begin to look forward to a happy future. If you are mto someone else later, then you have to do your best to give him what he is entitled to have of your attention, care and love. If he is the right sort of person, you will soon find out that you are more intimately attached to him than you could ever have thought possible. That is the nature of life. Romantic ideas have very little effect in practice. There is

nothing in Islam to forbid a long engagement. From the practical point of view, a long engagement is not the ideal thing to do. It may have the advantage of stopping new proposals, but it ushers an unnatural situation. The two fiances think of each other while they continue to live apart. This goes on for several years, it may have a negative effect on marriage, since we always try to paint in our minds an idealistic picture of the other party. When this picture has been for long in our minds, then marriage takes place, we find that the reality differs from what we have imagined. A difficult process of readjustment is then required. That could involve problems.

From another point of view, if the engagement is short of making the actual contract of marriage, then the two fiances are not supposed to meet alone, either at home or in public. In other words, a Muslim may not take his fiancee out for a meal, unless they are accompanied by one of her parents or brothers. Some people may object to this saying that a man and a woman who have declared their intentions to get married can be trusted to keep themselves within the proper limits if they go out. The answer is simple. To start with, problems may take place and the engagement may be broken. The reputation of the girl should not be blemished by her relationship with her first fiancée. Secondly, Islam lays down these restrictions for the benefit of its followers. The simple fact is that it is wrong to bring together a young man and a young woman, leaving them alone in a cozy, intimate atmosphere and then ask them to struggle with their feelings and passion in order to keep themselves within the Islamic limits. There is no denial that there is mutual attraction between them, and leaving them alone means exposing them to the danger of being overpowered by that mutual attraction.

Islam encourages every parent to provide their children with a good standard of education. That applies equally to boys and girls. It is unfortunate that educational systems nowadays require both sexes to take the same subject. Islam would have made girls' education rather different from that of boys so that it is tailored to help the girls, who are future mothers, to cope with their problems of life. For example, a course of nursing is highly beneficial to every mother. That does not mean that every girl should become a qualified nurse. It means that she should be able to look after her family in a proper way.

When it comes to taking a scholarship abroad, this is subject to the Islamic restriction on women traveling alone. As you realize, Islam does not allow a woman to travel alone even to perform the most important religious duty of pilgrimage She must be accompanied by her husband or a relative whom she cannot marry. It is definitely less permissible for a girl to stay alone in a foreign country for several years. To say that she is well protected in a students' hostel is unrealistic.

As for the hadiths to which you have referred, the first one does not seem to be authentic. There is no requirement on parents to bind their children in wedlock when they have attained puberty. Early marriage is certainly preferred by Islam, but marriage is left to the individual to determine its time according to his or her circumstances. Nowadays, only a few men marry before they are twenty. Many do not marry until they are twenty-five or even older. Early marriages are preferred by Islam because it provides a chance to satisfy natural needs in a legitimate way.

It is true that the modern system of education does not allow most people to marry before they have completed their education and started work. In effect this takes them to about twenty-five years of age. Marriage places new responsibilities on both partners and they have to choose the time for taping up these responsibilities according to their circumstances.

What you have mentioned about seeing certain colors in one's dream after praying for Allah's guidance in a certain problem, i.e. the prayer of istikharah is not correct. None of these colors have any significance. What happens after a prayer of istikharah is that one finds oneself more inclined to a certain choice. The fact that he has prayed Allah to help him choose correctly should make him overcome his worry and take the choice which becomes easier or more attractive to him, feeling that Allah will certainly respond to his prayer and give him the choice which is better for him, sparing him the problems of the worse choice.
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