Meetings at home
(13) Creating opportunities for meetings to discuss family matters.
“… and who (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation…” [al-Shoora 42:38 – interpretation of the meaning]. This is a time when the family members can sit together in a suitable place to talk about issues within and without the family that affect them. This is a sign of strong ties, interaction and cooperation within the family. No doubt the man is the one whom Allaah has appointed to be in charge of his “flock’s” affairs and he is primarily responsible and is the decision maker, but giving room to others to contribute – especially when the children get older – is good training for them to learn to bear responsibility, as well as giving everyone the confidence of knowing that his or her opinion is valued when they are asked to express their points of view. Examples of this are discussions concerning going for Hajj or for ‘Umrah during Ramadaan, and other trips, travelling to visit relatives and uphold family ties, or for vacations; organizing wedding parties and ‘aqeeqahs for newborns; moving from one home to another; and charitable projects such as finding out about the poor people in one's neighbourhood so the family can offer help or send food to them. Families can also discuss problems faced by themselves or by relatives, and talk about how to solve them, and so on… It is worth pointing out here that there is another important kind of family meeting, which is holding frank discussions between parents and children. Some of the problems of adolescence can only by solved by one-on-one conversations between parents and children, where a father talks, calmly and quietly, with his son about matters that have to do with the problems of youth and the Islamic rulings pertaining to adolescence, and a mother talks to her daughter and tells her what she needs to know about Islamic rulings and helps her to solve the problems that she may face at this age. The father or mother may open the discussion with words such as “When I was your age…” This will have a great effect in making what they say acceptable to the youngster. Lack of such frank discussions will force the children to talk to bad companions, which leads to so many other evils.
(14) Not showing family conflicts in front of the children.
It is rare for people to live together under one roof without any arguments, but reconciliation is better and correcting oneself is a virtue. What shakes the unity of the family and harms its infrastructure is when conflicts are brought out into the open before the members of the family, who then split into two or more opposing camps, not to mention the psychological harm that is done to children, especially little ones. Think about a home where the father says to the child, “Do not speak to your mother,” and the mother says to him, “Do not speak to your father.” The child is confused and filled with turmoil, and the entire family lives in an atmosphere of hostility. We should try to avoid conflict, but if it happens, we should try to hide it. We ask Allaah to create love between our hearts.
(15) Not letting into the house anyone whose commitment to Islam is not pleasing to you.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The likeness of a bad companion is like the one who works the bellows” (from a report narrated by Abu Dawood, 4829). According to a report narrated by al-Bukhaari, he said, “the one who works the bellows will burn your house or your clothes, or you will smell a bad odour from him.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 4/323). Indeed, he will burn your home with all kinds of corruption and evil. How often has the entry of corrupt and suspicious people into a home been the cause of enmity among the family members, or of division between husband and wife. Allaah curses the one who turns a wife against her husband, or a husband against his wife, or causes enmity between a father and his children. This is how sihr (magic, witchcraft) is brought into people’s homes, why things are sometimes stolen, and why so often morals are corrupted: it is because a person whose commitment to Islam is no good is admitted into the home. We must not let such people in, even if they are neighbours, men or women, and even if they appear to be friendly. Some people keep quiet out of embarrassment, and if they see such a person at the door, they let him in, even though they know this is one of the corrupt people. In this matter, women bear a great deal of responsibility. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O people, which day is most sacred? Which day is most sacred? Which day is most sacred?” They said, “The greatest day of Hajj.” Then he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in his Friday khutbah on that day: “Your rights over your women are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds whom you dislike, or allow anyone into your homes whom you dislike.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1163, and other from ‘Amr ibn al-Ahwas; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7880).
Muslim women, you should not feel upset if your husband or father does not let one of the female neighbours into the house because he sees that she is trying to cause trouble. Be smart and be strong if someone tries to make comparisons between her husband and yours, lest that pushes you to demand things from your husband that he cannot afford. It is also your obligation to advise your husband if you notice that he has close friends who are making evil appear attractive to him.
§ Advice to men: try to be at home as much as you can, because the guardian’s presence at home keeps things under control and enables him to supervise the upbringing of the family and to put things right by watching and following up. For some people, the basic thing is to be always outside of the home, and only if they cannot find some place to go do they come home. This is wrong. If a man is constantly going out for purposes of worship, he must still strike a balance; if he is going out for the purposes of sin and wasting time, or because he is too busy with matters of this world, he must reduce his work and business commitments, and put an end to idle meetings. And how evil are those people who neglect their families and stay in nightclubs…! We do not want to fall in with the plans of the enemies of Allaah; we can learn a lot from the following paragraph of the minutes of the French Eastern Masonic lodge held in 1923:
“ For the purpose of separating the individual from his family, you must eliminate morals at their root, because people are inclined to cut off their family ties and do things that are forbidden, they prefer to chat idly in cafés rather than carry out their duties towards their families.”
(16) Taking careful note of what family members are up to.
Who are your children’s friends?
Have you met them before?
What do your children bring home from outside?
Where does your daughter go, and with whom?
Some parents do not know that their children have in their possession bad pictures, pornographic movies and even drugs. Some of them do not know that their daughter goes with the (female) servant to the market, then asks the servant to wait with the driver whilst she goes to her appointment or “date” with one of the shayaateen (devils), or to smoke and mess about with her bad friends. Those who neglect their children will not be let off on that terrible Day, nor will they be able to flee from the horrors of the Day of Reckoning. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will ask every shepherd (or responsible person) about his flock (those for whom he was responsible), whether he took care of it or neglected it, until He asks a man about his household.” (Hasan. Reported by al-Nisaa'i, 292, and Ibn Hibbaan from Anas; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1775; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 1636).
There are some important points to note here:
1. This supervision must be subtle.
2. There should be no terrorizing atmosphere
3. The child must not be made to feel that he or she is not trusted.
4. Advice and/or punishments must be measured against the ages of the children, their levels of understand and the extent of the wrongful behaviour.
5. Beware of negative methods of checking on children and making them feel that their every move is being watched. I have been told of a person who has a computer in which he records every mistake his children make in detail. If one of his children does something wrong, he sends him a memo requesting his presence, then he opens the child’s file in the computer and tells him all his previous mistakes, as well as the current misdemeanour.
Note: we are not talking about a company here. The father is not the angel whose job it is to write down bad deeds. This father needs to read more about the principles of Islamic upbringing and education.
I also know of people at the other extreme, who refuse to get involved in their children’s affairs at all, claiming that the child will not be convinced that a mistake is a mistake or a sin is a sin unless he does it and then finds out for himself that it is a mistake. This deviant idea comes from being weaned on ideas of western philosophy and notions of absolute freedom. Some of them give their child free rein, fearing that the child may start to hate them, saying “I will earn his love whatever he does.” Some of them give the child free rein as a reaction to their own over-strict upbringings, thinking that they have to do the absolute opposite with their own children. Some of them take this stupid attitude to extremes by saying, “Let our sons and daughters enjoy their youth as they wish.” Do these people not think that their children might pull on their clothes on the Day of Resurrection and say, “O my father, why did you leave me in sin?”
(17) Paying attention to children at home.
- Teaching them to memorize Qur’aan and Islamic stories. There is nothing more beautiful than a father and his children coming together to read Qur’aan, with a simple commentary, offering rewards for memorizing passages. Young children have memorized Soorat al-Kahf from hearing it recited repeatedly by their fathers every Friday. You can teach children the basics of Islamic ‘aqeedah, for example as mentioned in the hadeeth, “Heed Allaah’s commandments and He will protect you.” You can teach children good manners and the adhkaar prescribed by Islam, for example for eating, sleeping, sneezing, greeting, asking permission to enter.
- There is nothing more attractive or effective for children than telling them Islamic stories, such as the story of Nooh (peace be upon him) and the Flood; the story of Ibraaheem (peace be upon him), and how he broke the idols and was thrown into the fire; the story of Moosa (peace be upon him) being saved from Pharaoh, who was drowned; the story of Yoonus (peace be upon him) in the belly of the whale; the story of Yoosuf (peace be upon him) in brief; the biography of Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), such as the beginning of his mission and his hijrah; some of the Islamic battles such as Badr and al-Khandaq; other stories from the Prophet’s life such as the story of the man and the camel which he did not feed properly but abused it by making it work too hard; stories of righteous people, such as the story of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) and the woman and her hungry children in the tent; the story of the people of al-Ukhdood (the ditch); the story of the people of the garden in Soorat al-Qalam [68], and the three companions of the cave. There are many good stories which you can tell in a brief and simple manner, with a few comments. These are better for us and we have no need of the many stories that go against ‘aqeedah, or frightening myths that distort children’s concept of reality and make them cowardly and afraid.
- Beware of letting your children go out with just anybody, lest they come back home uttering bad words and behaving badly. Be selective when choosing children of relatives and neighbours to invite to come and play with your children at home.
- Make sure that your children’s play is both entertaining and purposeful. Give them a special playroom, or at least a cupboard for their toys, where they can keep their toys tidy. Avoid toys that go against sharee’ah, like musical instruments, or toys that have crosses or them, or games containing dice.
- It is also a good idea to make a corner where children can practice hobbies such as carpentry, electronics and mechanics, or play some permissible computer games. With regard to the latter, we should be alert to the fact that some computer games show the worst types of pictures of women on the screen, and other games have crosses in them; one person has even told me that there is a game that involves gambling against the computer – the player chooses one of four girls whose pictures appear on the screen to represent the other player, and if he wins, his prize is to see the worst kind of picture of the girl.
- Separating boys and girls in their beds or sleeping arrangements. This is one of the things that distinguish those who are committed to their religion from those who do not care.
- Joking and showing affection. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with children and pat their heads; he would speak to them in a kind and gentle manner, giving the littlest one the first fruit, and even letting them ride on his back sometimes. There follow two examples of how he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) played with al-Hasan and al-Husayn:
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to stick his tongue out at Hasan ibn ‘Ali, and the child would see the redness of his tongue, and would like it and come running to him.” (Reported by Abu’l-Shaykh in Akhlaaq al-Nabi (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wa Aadaabuhu; see al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 70). Ya’laa ibn Murrah said: “We went out with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and we were called to eat, when we saw Husayn playing in the street. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) rushed ahead of the people, holding out his arms, and the child was running hither and thither; the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was laughing with him until he caught him, then he put one of the child’s hands under his chin and other other on top of his head, and kissed him.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, no. 364; Saheeh Ibn Maajah, 1/29).
(18) Being strict in adhering to a schedule for meals and bedtime.
Some houses are like hotels where the people who live there hardly know one another and hardly ever meet.
Some children eat whenever they want and sleep whenever they want, which leads to them staying up late and wasting their time, or eating on a full stomach. This chaos leads to a weakening of family ties and a waste of time and energy, and exacerbates the lack of discipline among family members. You could excuse those who have legitimate reasons, because students, male and female, may have different times of leaving schools and universities, and those who are employed or who run stores do not have the same work schedules, but still there is nothing nicer than a family gathering together at the table and making the most of this opportunity to ask how everyone is and to discuss useful topics. The head of the household has to be strict in setting a time for everyone to be back home, and in insisting that everyone asks permission before going out, especially those who are young, whether in terms of chronological age or mental age, as it were, for whom one might have fears.
(19) Re-evaluating women’s work outside the home.
The laws of Islam complement one another. When Allaah commanded women to “…stay in your houses…” [al-Ahzaab 33:33 – interpretation of the meaning], He also decreed that men, their fathers and husbands, etc., should be obliged to spend on them.
The basic principle is that women should not work outside the home unless they have to. When Moosa (peace be upon him) saw the two daughters of the righteous man keeping back their flocks and waiting to water them, he asked them: “… ‘What is the matter with you?’ They said, ‘We cannot water (our flocks) until the shepherds take (their flocks), and our father is a very old man.’” [al-Qasas 28:23 – interpretation of the meaning]. They were apologetic about the fact that they had come out to water their flocks, because the guardian [their father] was unable to do so due to old age. So they were keen to do away with the need to work outside the home as soon as the opportunity arose: “And said one of them (the two women): ‘O my father! Hire him! Verily the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy.’” [al-Qasas 28:26 – interpretation of the meaning].
This woman made clear her desire to go back to staying at home to protect herself from the vulgarity to which she could be exposed if she worked outside the home.
In modern times, when the kuffaar needed women’s labour after the two world wars, to make up for the resulting lack of men in the workforce, and there was a critical need to rebuild their economies, this coincided with the Jewish plots to “liberate” women and advocate their rights with the aim of corrupting them and consequently corrupting society as a whole. Thus the idea of women going out to work was established.
In spite of the fact that the same motives were not present in our lands, and that Muslim men protect their womenfolk and spend on them, the women’s liberation movement developed in the Muslim world too, and even reached such an extent that women are sent abroad to study, then are expected to work so that these degrees will not go to waste. The Muslim societies are not in need of such a thing on such a grand scale as is the case, and one of the signs of this is the fact that there are men who are without work whilst fields are still being opened up to women.
When we say “not on such a grand scale”, we mean that there is a need for women to work in some fields, such as teaching, nursing and medicine, within the conditions set out by sharee’ah, and when there is a need for them to do so. But we started by saying that there is no great need, because of the fact that we notice some women going out to work when there is no need, and sometimes they work for very low wages, because they feel that they have to go out to work even when there is no need to do so, or they work in places that are not suitable, which leads to much fitnah and trouble.
One of the main differences between the Islamic view on women’s work and the secular view is that the basic principle in Islam is to “…stay in your houses…” [al-Ahzaab 33:33 – interpretation of the meaning], although women may go out when they need to – “And permission has been given to you to go out for your needs” (hadeeth). The secular principle, on the other hand, is to go out no matter what the circumstances.
To be fair, we should say that there may indeed be a need for women to work, such as a woman who is the breadwinner for her family after her husband has died or her father has become too old to work, and so on. Indeed, in some societies which are not based on Islamic principles, a woman may find herself forced to work to help her husband cover the living expenses of the family. A man may not propose to a woman unless she is working, and some men may even make it a condition of the marriage contract that the wife work!
In conclusion: a woman may work if she needs to or for some Islamic purpose, such as calling others to Allaah in the field of teaching, or to make use of her time, as some women do who do not have children.
With regard to the negative aspects of women working outside the home, these include:
§ What often happens of things that are forbidden in Islam, such as mixing with men, getting to know them and being alone with them, wearing perfume for them and starting to show one's adornment to strangers (non-mahrem men), which can ultimately lead to immoral conduct.
§ Not giving the husband his rights, neglecting the house, not giving the children their proper rights. (This is our basic point here).
§ Undermining the feeling in some women’s minds that the husband is the qawwaam (protector and maintainer). Let us take the case of a woman whose qualifications are equal to those of her husband, or even higher (although there is nothing wrong with that in and of itself), and who works and earns more than he does. Will she feel the proper need towards her husband and obey him properly, or will she feel that she is independent of him, which could rock the household on its foundations, unless Allaah wills good for her? These arguments about spending on the working wife and how much she should spend on the family may never end.
§ Physical exhaustion and psychological and nervous pressure which do not befit the nature of women.
Having briefly discussed the pros and cons of women’s work, we conclude that we have to fear Allaah, and to weigh the matter up according to sharee’ah, and to know the circumstances in which a woman is permitted to go out to work, and when she is not. We should not be blinded by worldly gains or allow them to distract us from the truth. This advice to women is in their best interests and in the interests of the family. Husbands should also stop thinking in terms of taking revenge and should not consume their wife’s wealth unjustly.
(20) Confidentiality: keeping family secrets.
This includes a number of things, including:
- Not disclosing intimate secrets.
- Not disclosing marital conflicts.
- Not disclosing any secrets the exposing of which could cause harm to the family or to any of its members.
With regard to the first matter, the evidence that this is haraam is the hadeeth: “One of the most evil of people in the sight of Allaah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who went in unto his wife and she went in unto him, then he disclosed her secret.” (Reported by Muslim, 4/157). The meaning of going in unto one another is that he approaches her and has intercourse with her, as in the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “… while you have gone in unto one another…” [al-Nisa’ 4:21].
Further evidence is to be seen in the hadeeth of Asma’ bint Yazeed, who said that she was with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), when men and women were sitting with him, and he said: “I think there are some men who talk about what they do with their wives, and that there are some women who talk about what they do with their husbands.” The people stayed silent. [Asma’] said: “Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, [women] do that and [men] do that!” He said, “Do not do that, for it is as if a male devil met a female devil in the street and had intercourse with her whilst the people were watching.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 6/457; also reported in Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani, p. 144). According to a report narrated by Abu Dawood, he said: “Are there men among you who when they have intercourse with their wives, they close their doors and lower their curtains and ask Allaah to conceal them?” They said, “Yes.” He said, “And then do they sit and say, ‘I did such and such, and I did such and such?’” They kept silent. Then he turned to the women and said, “Are there any among you talk [about intimate matters]?” and they kept silent. Then a young girl sat up on one of her knees and craned her neck so that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) could see her and hear her, and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, indeed the men talk and the women talk.” He said, “Do you know what that is like? It is like a female devil meeting a male devil in the street and having intercourse with him whilst the people are watching.” (Sunan Abi Dawood, 2/627; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7037).
With regard to the second matter, which is disclosing marital arguments outside the home, in many cases this only makes matters worse. Involving outside parties in a marital conflict usually deepens the split, and it reaches a stage where the couple will only communicate via intermediaries when they should be the closest of all people to one another. This should not be resorted to except in cases where they cannot resolve matter face to face, in which case we should act in accordance with the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “… appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers; if they both wish for peace, Allaah will cause their reconciliation…” [al-Nisa’ 4:35].
With regard to the third matter, which is harming the family or one of its members – by spreading their secrets – this is not permissible, because it is covered by the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 1/313; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 250). An example of this was narrated in the Tafseer of the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “Allaah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve, the wife of Nooh and the wife of Loot. They were under two of our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed their [husbands]…” [al-Tahreem 66:10]. Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) reported the following in his tafseer of this aayah:
“The wife of Nooh used to know about his secrets, and whenever anyone believed in him, she would tell the oppressors among the people of Nooh about it. As for the wife of Loot, whenever Loot welcomed anyone as a guest, she would tell the people of the city who used to do evil things” (Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 8/198), i.e., to come and do immoral things to them.
Good manners at home
(21) Spreading kindness in the home.
‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When Allaah – may He be glorified – wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.’” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/71; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 303). According to another report: “When Allaah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.” (Reported by Ibn Abi al-Dunya and others; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 1704). In other words, they start to be kind to one another. This is one of the means of attaining happiness in the home, for kindness is very beneficial between the spouses, and with the children, and brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else.” (Reported by Muslim, Kitaab al-Birr wa’l-Sillah wa’l-Aadaab, no. 2592).
(22) Helping one’s wife with the housework.
Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), however, used to “sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes and do whatever other work men do in their homes.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/121; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4927).
This was said by his wife ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do in his house; her response described what she herself had seen. According to another report, she said: “He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/256; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 671). She (may Allaah be pleased with her) was also asked about what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do in his house, and she said, “He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 2/162).
If we were to do likewise nowadays, we would achieve three things:
We would be following the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
We would be helping our wives
We would feel more humble, not arrogant.
Some men demand food instantly from their wives, when the pot is on the stove and the baby is screaming to be fed; they do not pick up the child or wait a little while for the food. Let these ahaadeeth be a reminder and a lesson.
(23) Being affectionate towards and joking with the members of the family.
Showing affection towards one’s wife and children is one of the things that lead to creating an atmosphere of happiness and friendliness in the home. Thus the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised Jaabir to marry a virgin, saying, “Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you laugh?” (The hadeeth is reported in a number of places in the Saheehayn, such as al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 9/121). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said: “Everything in which Allaah’s name is not mentioned is idleness and play, except for four things: a man playing with his wife…” (Reported by al-Nisaa'i in ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 87; also in Saheeh al-Jaami’). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to treat his wife ‘Aa’ishah affectionately when doing ghusl with her, as she (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The Messenger of Allaah and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel, and he would pretend to take all the water so that I would say, ‘Leave some for me, leave some for me,’” – and both of them were in a state of janaabah (impurity). (Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 4/6).
The ways in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) showed affection towards young children are too famous to need mentioning. He often used to show his affection towards Hasan and Husayn, as mentioned above. This is probably one of the reason why the children used to rejoice when he came back from travelling; they would rush to welcome him, as reported in the saheeh hadeeth: “Whenever he came back from a journey, the children of his household would be taken out to meet him.” He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to hug them close to him, as ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ja;far said: “Whenever the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came back from a journey, we would be taken out to meet him. One day we met him, Hasan, Husayn and I. He carried one of us in front of him, and another on his back, until we entered Madeenah.” (Saheeh Muslim, 4/1885-2772; see the commentary in Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi, 8/56).
Compare this with the situation in some miserable homes where there are no truthful jokes [i.e., jokes that do not involve lying], no affection and no mercy. Whoever thinks that kissing his children goes against the dignity of fatherhood should read the following hadeeth: from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) kissed al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali, and al-Aqra’ ibn Haabis al-Tameemi was sitting with him. Al-Aqra’ said: ‘I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them.’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) looked at him and said: ‘The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’”
(24) Resisting bad manners in the home.
Every member of the household is bound to have some bad characteristics, such as lying, backbiting, gossiping and so on. These bad characteristics have to be resisted and opposed.
Some people think that corporal punishment is the only way to deal with such things. The following hadeeth is very educational on this topic: from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: “If the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came to know that one of his household had told a lie, he would try to ignore him until he repented.” (See al-Musnad by Imaam Ahmad, 6/152. The text of the hadeeth is also in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 4675).
It is clear from the hadeeth that turning away and forsaking a person by not speaking to them, rather than resorting to punishment, is effective in such circumstances, and may be more effective than physical punishment, so let parents and caregivers think about this.
(25) “Hang up the whip where the members of the household can see it.” (Reported by Abu Na’eem in al-Hilyah, 7/332; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 1446).
Hinting at punishment is an effective means of discipline, so the reason for hanging up a whip or stick in the house was explained in another report, where the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Hang up the whip where the members of the household can see it, for this is more effective in disciplining them.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 10/344-345; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 1447)
Seeing the means of punishment hanging up will make those who have bad intentions refrain from indulging in bad behaviour, lest they get a taste of the punishment. It will motivate them to behave themselves and be good-mannered. Ibn al-Anbaari said: “There is nothing to suggest that it should be used for hitting, because [the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)] did not command anyone to do that. What he meant was: keep on disciplining them.” (See Fayd al-Qadeer by al-Mannaawi, 4/325).
Hitting is not the way to discipline; it is not to be resorted to, except when all other means are exhausted, or when it is needed to force someone to do obligatory acts of obedience, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… As to those women on whose part you fear ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] – in that order. There is also the hadeeth: “Order your children to pray when they are seven years old, and hit them if they do not do so when they are ten.” (Sunan Abi Dawood, 1/334; see also Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1/266).
As for hitting unnecessarily, this is aggression. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised a woman not to marry a man because he always had his stick on his shoulder, i.e., he used to beat his wives. On the other hand, there are those who think that they should never use this method of discipline at all, following some kaafir educational theories; this is also a mistaken opinion that goes against the sharee’ah.
Evils in the home
(26) Beware of non-mahrem relatives entering upon women when their husbands are absent.
(27) Men and women should sit separately during family visits.
(28) Be aware of the dangers of having male drivers and female servants in the house.
(29) Kick immoral people out of your houses.
(30) Beware of the dangers of TV.
(31) Beware of the evils of the telephone.
(32) You have to remove everything that contains symbols of the false religions of the kuffaar or their gods and objects of worship.
(33) Removing pictures of animate beings.
(34) Do not allow smoking in your homes.
(35) Do not keep dogs in your homes.
(36) Avoid too much decoration in your homes (keep it simple).
The home inside and out
(37) Choosing a good location and design of home.
No doubt the true Muslim pays attention to the choice and design of a home in ways that others do not.
With regard to location, for example:
The home should be close to a mosque. This has obvious advantages: the call to prayer will remind people of prayer and wake them up for it; living close to the mosque will enable men to join the congregational prayers, women to listen to the Qur’aan recitation and dhikr over the mosque’s loudspeakers, and children to join study-circles for memorization of Qur’aan, and so on.
The home should not be in a building where there are immoral people, or in a compound where kuffaar live and where there is a mixed swimming pool and so on.
The house should not overlook others or be overlooked; if it is, he should put up curtains and make walls and fences higher.
With regard to design and lay out, for example:
He should pay attention to the matter of segregating men and women when non-mahrams come to visit, e.g. separate entrances and sitting areas. If that cannot be done, then use should be made of curtains, screens and so on.
Covering windows, so that neighbours or people in the street will not be able to see who is in the house, especially at night when the lights are on.
The toilets should not be sited in such a way that one faces the qiblah when using them.
Choosing a spacious house with plenty of amenities. This is for a number of reasons:
“Allaah loves to see the signs of His blessings on His slave.” (Hadeeth narrated by al-Tirmidhi, no. 2819. He said: This is a hasan hadeeth).
“There are three elements of happiness and three elements of misery. The elements of happiness are: a righteous wife, who when you see her she pleases you, and when you are absent from her you feel that you can trust her with regard to herself and your wealth; a compliant riding-beast that helps you to keep up with your companions; and a house that is spacious and has plenty of amenities. The elements of misery are: a wife who when you see her you feel upset, she keeps attacking you verbally, and when you are absent from her you do not feel that you can trust her with regard to herself and your wealth; a stubborn riding-beast that if whip it, you get tired, and if you do not whip it, it does not help you to keep up with your companions; and a house with few amenities.” (Hadeeth narrated by al-Haakim, 3/262; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 3056).
Paying attention to health-related matters such as ventilation, natural light and so on. These matters depend on financial ability and feasibility.
(38) Choosing the neighbour before the house.
This is a matter which has to be singled out for discussion because of its importance.
Nowadays neighbours have more impact on one another, because houses are closer together and people live together in buildings, apartments and compounds.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us of four causes of happiness, one of which is a righteous neighbour, and four causes of misery, one of which is a bad neighbour. (Reported by Abu Na’eem in al-Hilyah, 8/388; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 887). Because of the seriousness of the latter, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to seek refuge with Allaah from bad neighbours in his du’aa’: “Allaahumma innee a’oodhu bika min jaar al-soo’ fi daar il-muqaamah fa inna jaar al-baadiyah yatahawwil (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from a bad neighbour in my permanent home, for the neighbour in the desert [i.e. on a journey] moves on).” He commanded the Muslims to seek refuge with Allaah from a bad neighbour in a permanent home because the neighbour in the desert will eventually move on. (Reported by al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, no. 117; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2967).
There is no room here to talk about the influence a bad neighbour may have on a couple and their children, or the kinds of nuisance he can cause, or the misery of living next to him. But applying these ahaadeeth quoted above to one's own life should be sufficient for the one who is possessed of understanding. Another practical solution is that implemented by some good people who rent neighbouring homes for their families, so as to solve the neighbour problem. This may be an expensive solution, but a good neighbour is priceless.
(39) Paying attention to necessary repairs in the home, and making sure that the amenities are in good working order.
Among the blessings of Allaah in this modern age are the “mod cons” that He has bestowed upon us, which make many things easier and save time, such as air-conditioners, fridges, washing-machines and so on. It is wise to have the best quality of appliances that one can afford, without being extravagant or putting oneself under financial strain. We should also be careful to distinguish between useful extras and extravagant additions that have no real value.
Part of caring for the home includes fixing appliances and amenities that break down. Some people neglect these things, and their wives complain about homes crawling with vermin, with overflowing drains and piles of stinking garbage, filled with broken and worn out furniture.
No doubt this is one of the obstacles to happiness in the home, and causes problems in the marriage and health problems. The smart person is the one who hastens to fix these things.
(40) Paying attention to the family’s health and safety procedures.
When any member of his family got sick, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would blow on them and recite al-Mi’wadhatayn (last two soorahs of the Qur’aan). (Reported by Muslim, no. 2192).
When one of his family members got sick, he would call for soup, and it would be made for him, then he would tell them to drink it, and he would say, “It will strengthen the heart of the one who is grieving and cleanse (heal) the heart of the one who is sick just as any one of you wipes the dirt from her face.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 2039; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 4646).
One of the ways of taking safety precautions is:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When evening comes, keep your children inside, for the shayaateen (devils) spread out at that time. Then when an hour of the night has passed, let your children go, lock the doors and mention the name of Allaah, cover your pots and mention the name of Allaah,even if you only place a stick across the top of your vessel, and extinguish your lamps.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 10/88-89).
According to a report narrated by Muslim, he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Lock your doors, cover your vessels, extinguish your lamps and tie your knots properly [i.e., cover your jugs properly – in those days they would cover them with a piece of cloth and tie it], for the Shaytaan does not open a door that is closed, or uncover something that is covered, or untie a knot that you tie. And the mouse could set the house on fire (i.e. it could pull out the wick of the lamp and set the house on fire).” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 3/103); Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1080).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not leave fires lit in your houses when you go to sleep.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 11/85).
And Allaah knows best. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
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